Questions Shmestions

I decided I was going to be an opera singer when I was 16. After that, every decision was for voice. I went to the Governor's School for the Arts to finish high school (best move ever), I chose college based on the voice teacher I wanted, and I went straight into graduate school to be with the next teacher I wanted.

I was always proud that I knew exactly what I wanted to do; I had a plan. But then suddenly, at 25, when a lot of the people who didn't have it "figured out" at 18 are settling into their first salaried positions (with benefits, oh, how I long for benefits!!), here I am, asking a million questions and unable to decide which road to take.

Sure, a year of thyroid disease set me back. It altered my cords and still has me wondering if permanent damage was done. And needless to say, the economy isn't helping, either. How am I supposed to fund incessent application fees and audition trips to New York when I can barely find a full-time job to pay my rent?

But dedication was my strong point. Maybe I was waiting for my big, unwieldy voice to settle into itself, but I was determined to do it, no matter the cost. Has that changed? I don't know. I needed a break, a time to let the "damage" either heal or not heal, a time that I wasn't forced to sing for this or that performance - I would sing only when I wanted to.

I miss making music. There's a physical energy that I only feel when I'm singing. It's unlike anything else I've ever experienced. It's sastisfying to work that hard to create a nuanced and beautiful sound. Yoga brings physical satisfaction, but in a different way. It is the closest parallel as far as exercise goes, because it is indeed a fusion of body, mind, and spirit...but it doesn't do the trick. Singing is all of those things, too, but there's another crucial element - an attempt to express the inexpressible. The beauty and tragedy of the human experience that no one can quite find the words to describe? Enter poets, composers, and opera singers.

But then there are questions. Questions shmestions. Money questions. Getting a doctorate questions. Creative design questions.

There's nothing to do but take each day as it comes, enjoy my wonderful life with John and Herbie, and wait until something presents itself. Trusting is unbelievably hard, but also strangely satisfying. It feels good to know that everything really will work out.

And dare I say it? It's just not over until the fat lady sings.

xoxo,

Lauren