Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Maybe it was residual feelings from Septembers past that made me feel so anxious this month. Twenty-two years worth of new academic years, new schools, new to-do lists. It could also be adult responsibilities mixed with the forward momentum of my busiest season at work and my new second job. Either way, I've been unsettled.
Tonight while reading my friend's beautiful post about transformation, I remembered what it was like to get really sick in 2008 and 2009 - and how that forced me to stop, take stock of life, and ask important questions: who do I want to be? what really matters? what do I value? Having everything screech to a halt forced me to slow down and think about those things, something that I'd never really allowed myself to do. I thought I had to keep working to meet outdated goals, no matter the cost. I hadn't been kind enough to myself to invite transformation to happen. And finally, I was generous to myself - probably for the first time ever!
I stopped pushing and granted my life the time and space necessary to start unfolding. And look what it got me - a husband who is more wonderful and gracious than I ever thought possible and jobs I love in a great city. When I finally stopped being so hard on myself, I took great strides in a short amount of time.
This makes me wonder why I've let myself become anxious - caught up in responsibilities and letting life drag me along. I realized tonight that I haven't been allowing myself time to read, time to write, or time to grow. There are little moments that have been slipping by, because I've been running in circles around them. Those little moments have been, in the past, the big ones.
September, as it turns out, is for slowing down.