Lessons Learned & Progress Made

Whew, you guys. It's been a crazy three months. In a great way.

I've learned a lot. There's a thing where you learn some stuff and another thing where your life actually changes, and mine was the latter. The second I insisted on positive energy was the moment I realized I was manifesting change.

We've made so many friends, and they're wonderful. Our view of the social landscape in our city has transformed, for the better. The way better. We were ready to leave at a moment's notice, but now we love Greenville. It's amazing the difference finding your people can make.

I've been working harder than ever. I've learned a lot about burning the candle at both ends and switching careers. When you leave something you chose at 16, and get to know yourself again as an adult, it takes some time to figure out where you want to land. For me, it took 1.5 years to discover where I want to be, with the help of some serendipitous landmarks and road signs. I've seen rewards, but I'm still working like a madwoman to make it happen. Though I'm not quite there yet, I feel close enough to stop for a second and write this post.

I've learned professional lessons. I understand that as disingenuous as I considered it to be, "networking" is indeed the way to go. And instead of a weird popularity contest, sometimes it's just nice people who want to help each other. Social media makes it easier, but it's time-consuming. I've learned that thinking outside the box and being resourceful - and finding others willing to do the same - is my best bet.

I've realized that being open, asking for help, letting my go-to reaction be "yes," and taking time to stop, smile, say hello makes all the difference. Inviting positive energy into your life, or believing you deserve it, can be half the battle.

Another transformative thing was yoga every day. Okay, almost every day. I used to be a twice a week person. This summer proved that finding physical activity that makes you wildly happy and sticking to it has great rewards. It also provides a sense of community. And I've consumed the coconut water of 500 coconuts.

It's normal for twenty-somethings to be asking questions. John and I have been wondering where we'll end up, what we'll do, how we'll contribute something to this crazy world. And perhaps for the first time ever, I'm enjoying the process instead of demanding an answer.

In the midst of a time filled with change, questions, and excitement, two things remain: John and Herbie. I'm grateful as ever.

Weekend in New York

This weekend, spent in New York, was the most inspiring one I've had in a long time. Like, a reminder to get out and explore every corner of the world, as soon as possible. There were three things worth noting.

We're women now.

Last weekend I turned 28. It was really lovely, and John planned a whole weekend full of surprises, and I felt insanely lucky and loved and more and more like adulthood is yes, full of bills and obligations, but happier than childhood still.

27 was the first birthday I didn't get overly excited about. It didn't feel old, but it felt like that door had been opened. It was the first time that 30 felt close. I assumed 28 would feel the same, but a little worse. I'd be even older, and even further from that fresh-faced, idealistic youth I thought I should hold close. 30 brings a lot of questions - how long can you still go dancing? And what about short shorts? Is it time for fancy eye cream? Have you reached enough goals, is your career unfolding appropriately, do you know what's next?

28 doesn't feel as lackluster as 27 did. It feels a little smarter, a little more grounded. 28 has a few more fine lines, but those lines are experience. At some point this year, I stopped wanting to barter my experience for my youth. That's the difference in 28. The things I've learned are like little badges of honor on my face. I see their value, and though many questions remain unanswered, I try to stay present. Once this past year when I complained about looking older to my best friend, she said simply, "We're women now."

This year, I have a growing sense of gratitude for this opportunity to be an adult, create a legacy, make my own family. I see opportunities around me, all the time, to create light. I often fail miserably, but that's okay, because there will be many more chances. One third of my life may be over, but from it I take my partner, my dog, and my purpose, and I look ahead.

Makers

Will you watch this tonight?

"There are women who fight for something bigger than themselves."

Week in Women: Human Rights

If you're like me, you're constantly watching women's issues with the frustration and hope that pervades all of us in 2013. We're so close. Yet, not at all.

You watch Michelle and Hillary intently, and you groan when Sheryl Sandberg's comments are so good and so bad at the same time. You saw that good piece in the NY Times Saturday about the need to redefine women's rights in the workplace to human rights in the workplace, and you've been following the conversation about the benefits of universal preschool.

Stephanie Coontz is right - gender equality hasn't just stalled. We've hit a wall. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do next. Education and conversations about these things are a step in the right direction. Here's one of the best lists I've seen of gender equality principles. It helped me to see everything in one place, and I thought you might like it, too. The organization who created it suggests encouraging your company to complete their workplace assessment, which seems well-intentioned but a bit far-fetched. The Work-Life balance section feels especially pressing to me on a personal level, at age 27 - in a time when working more hours means more success, how do I make my career and family ambitions complement one another?


photo via

Week in Women: Gender at Work and Sheryl Sandberg

Sheryl Sandberg is both right and wrong. Her recent comments about employers asking women about getting pregnant before hiring have understandably elicited quite a backlash. Perhaps they were well-intentioned, because of course we do need a more open dialogue about gender in the workplace.

She says we need to lean in, be more ambitious, be more assertive. She fails to address the gaping fact that those who are leaning in aren't getting anywhere. Only 17% of Fortune 500 board seats are held by women, only 3% of board presidents are women, but if you're reading this, you probably know that. As we've discussed, the Ambition Gap is a myth.

Here are some good links:

Background on Sandberg and some interesting numbers on gender in the workplace.

The best response to her pregnancy comments I've seen, in which Kristof calls for structural, accommodating changes in the workplace paired with ambitious women.

Horrible suggestions from Aol about negotiating raises and fair pay. Basically, do your best to perpetuate stereotypes, and you might get a higher salary.

Pair this article with the number of dishes John washes, and we are going to have one crazy ambitious daughter. Wahoo!

Women This Week: Hillary's Benghazi Testimony and Michelle's Inauguration

It was a good week for women in media - it was a bad week for women in media.

Michelle was exalted in the public eye. John and I often wonder how anyone, regardless of political persuasion, could harbor bad feelings towards Michelle Obama. She is genuine, she is gracious, fun, smart, and she is trying to make our nation healthier (crucial). She was applauded for her feminine characteristics, yes, and that's a good thing. The media doesn't just discuss her fashion choices; they discuss the symbolic nature behind them. It was lovely to see our nation's love and respect for her this week.

Hillary, on the other hand, was torn apart - not for the content of her testimony at the Benghazi hearings, but for the emotion she showed as she discussed it. Her popularity is higher than ever, yet the anger and sadness she feels about those American deaths is presented by the media as a huge weakness. Just a month ago, Barack Obama's tears about Sandy Hook were portrayed as a vulnerable strength. His anger was simply justified, and his emotions were accepted without a blink. The double standard is crippling - when will women be permitted to show human emotion? Now, they are told to suppress every thread of vulnerability to be viewed as successful. Bravo to Hillary for showing emotion when appropriate, refusing to conform.

Baby Fever is Real

There's truth behind baby fever. I never really believed it until this past year, but the biological clock is no joke. I always knew I would have a child someday, but I never actively wanted one. At some point after turning 27, the way I viewed babies changed. Suddenly, they were much cuter and so irresistible. I found myself thinking about them and how wonderful it will be to have our own. (Not anytime soon :)

Boobs 101

Guys, you know that thing Oprah says about 80% of women wearing the wrong bra size? I've heard about it for years - up a cup size, down a band size, dimpling, overflowing, whatever. I thought I was above reproach in the department of self undergarment fitting, rolling my eyes at these silly women who apparently can't figure out the right size. One day in 2012, this changed. I found out I was indeed part of the 80%. I asked a lady at Nordstrom if they had this Josie bra in my size in the back, and looking appalled, she gave me a new size just by looking at me. She said she spends her breaks sitting in the mall guessing sizes of women who walk by and lamenting their poor choices. A true professional. I let her lead me into the dressing room where I got measured and put into my new brassiere. Next, she asked very politely with her hands outstretched if she could feel me up. I said sure, no problem, and she liked the new size. This was life-changing. No more squirming around all day to adjust. No more discomfort. Thank you, Nordstrom (and you, Oprah).

You all should try it!

(The bra above is from Eberjey, and while I don't own it, I do wear their chemises, which I love. They're the softest, prettiest, and most flattering I've ever had.)

Why blog?

I've asked myself many times why, and if, I should blog. What an egocentric pursuit, I tell myself. Flee to the Cleve started as a creative outlet when I left opera - and a way to document an exciting, spontaneous move to Cleveland. There was a lull while I was planning our wedding, but it remained a place to record moments in our little family's life that would otherwise be forgotten.

Women and the Likeability Gap, Ambition Gap, and Fortune 500 Report

From Lisa Congdon's blog - 365 Days of Hand Lettering. 

Today, we have sad news for women: the Afghan Head of Women's Affairs was assassinated. This is the second time in six months that the person in this position has been killed.

Luckily, we also have some good news.

For Converse: Plan and Invitation to Current Students

Hello, Converse Supporters,

A plan for moving forward, and letter to me from Student Body President below the break:

Update for Converse Women

I continue to be overwhelmed by your heartfelt explanations of why you believe we must hold Converse accountable for the image that Roxie projects.

November Gratitude: Community and Sisterhood

This November, I'm grateful for so many things.

One of them is community. The graduates of my small women's college have recently united to express discontent in a new, regressive image being projected by the school.

I was already a proponent of single gender education, but the graceful, intelligent way my fellow alumnae have expressed their concern this week has been nothing short of inspiring. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have meaningful dialogue about the importance of avoiding gender stereotype and repression in a place that was built with the intention of empowering women. Stating that as your mission, friends, comes with responsibility.

Sometimes, community surrounds you when you least expect it. I felt the warmth of my Converse sisters at our wedding, when they showed up from all over the country to stand in a circle around me. What a nice reminder, in busy November, that it's always there. It's ready to stand together when it counts.

I wish community and sisterhood for you all.

Why Women Should Vote

 Happy Election Day! 

From one of my favorites, Lisa Congdon.

No Such Thing

Hi, friends!

Did you see this article in Newsweek recently? Debora Spar, President of Barnard College, presents the reality about successful women. She asks why feminism, which was meant to make us happy, often makes us so miserable!

As an advocate for women's college and a lady attempting to "do it all," this caught my attention immediately. Debora asks us to remember feminism at its beginning, rooted in sisterhood and community. A joint venture for social good.

Here's a confession: I've always been a silly perfectionist. Tell us something we don't know, you're thinking. I've been way too hard on myself, which leads me to be too hard on others. I try, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, to avoid this. As Debora says, I consistently feel pressure to try to excel in two jobs, develop my blog, be in hot yoga as much as possible, "impress" John with interesting meals, take Herbie on long walks, design our home, and be a good friend, sister, and daughter - all while wearing the sexiest shoes I can find. When I fail - which, as she points out, is inevitable - I get annoyed. At myself. This, as you can imagine, is really productive.

Why can't we accept, as Debora suggests, that something's got to give? Why are women always comparing, one-upping, degrading the ladies around them who seem to be doing it all - or worse, the ones who seem to be failing? I fall into this trap more often than I'd like to admit. Why aren't we celebrating each others' triumphs and taking care of each others' kids and animals? Why aren't we bringing back the potluck dinner? The old, trusty neighborhood women's unit - we need that back.

I got a big dose of sisterhood at Converse, and I'm thankful. Women in the work force are often, I've found, trying to take the other females around them down a notch. It's hard to respond to that with grace and dignity; in fact, sometimes it seems easier to just go to bat. Show up and fight back.

How is that going to get us the 23 cents we need to match the male dollar? I don't know.

Let's not be perfect anymore. Let's be messy, let's call each other and frantically beg for babysitting, and let's not roll our eyes when we do. Let's be nice and make lives that matter.

 xo.

The Southern Belle

Moving back to the South - and being unexpectedly content with it - has left me reflecting on what it means to be a Southern lady. I loved this beautiful article from Garden and Gun last year about what sets us apart. To be born a Southern woman is to be made aware of your distinctiveness.

As Allison Glock says, Southern women have a lot of pride. Here's why:

1. We are caretakers.
2. We use an abundance of salt when cooking. Just ask John.
3. We are willing to give (time, food, hugs, advice).
4. We are tied to history...when you carry in your bones the incontrovertible knowledge of man's violence and limitations, daring to stay sweet is about the most radical thing you can do.
5. We know how to make other women feel pretty. This is important to us - to let our friends know how wonderful they are. Friendship is one of the only things we have.
6. And of course, Southern women know the value of a stiff drink.

There's something irresistible about a woman who's not afraid of a little butter (I said a little, Paula Deen) and who can make you feel at home even when you're hundreds of miles away. There's something sexy about having enough self-respect to put on a nice dress and curl your hair, knowing it's about presentation rather than vanity. Perhaps we have it best in the 21st century, with the freedom to choose which Southern Lady rules to follow and which ones to break.

Thanks, Garden and Gun, for assigning words to something we live every day. You're much more eloquent than those "Southern girl" AIM profiles that were copied and pasted all the way into 2009. You describe us as good-humored, with a wisdom all our own, and we think you're right. You understand us, and we love you for it.

My grandmother, a beautiful Southern lady if I've ever seen one.

My aunt in Augusta, GA,  wearing a beautiful dress chosen by her mother, above.

Girly Stuff

via Scatx

There are so many things I love about this photo.

Also, a woman is running for President for the first time in Egypt. Yay.

A fun article for anyone who's studied The Gaze.

And I'm kind of pumped about Gaga's new foundation.

xo,

         

               Lauren

This October Week

I made a wedding website. We have a lot of friends who are super organized and good at planning travel way ahead of time, hence laurenjohnwedding.blogspot.com. 

OLAS Photography

I came home from work late, and John had this wonderful roasted Chickpea salad waiting. With brown rice on the side. And red wine. A perfect Lauren meal marry me right now why don't you.

I fell in love with a company tonight called 31 Bits. They are changing women's lives. Read about the amazing programs they have developed in Uganda here, and put some sweet faces with the project here. I'm so taken with their product, their innovative approach, and the way they are equipping these women. Love!

Pan What?

People have been talking about Pan Am with dubious anticipation: can it even touch the prowess of its obvious predecessor, Mad Men?

I don't even care to find out. No thank you. As a Mad Men latecomer, I'm knee-deep in Season 4, dreading the day when I, too, have to wait for March 2012. My love for Mad Men keeps me from yoga and sleep, and it's worth it. It's every bit as good as the amber-colored liquor and tight pencil skirts that it so glorifies. As far as I'm concerned, there's only room for one '60s Era Masterpiece in this town.

I'm busy with a new city, new job, and even planning a wedding, but the things that plague my mind are 1) WILL Peggy's blossoming feminism get her fired? 2) Will Joanie ever leave that skin-sewing jerk for Roger? 2) Can Don and Betty please be dysfunctional together forever?  3) Will Sally Draper lose her mind? And is Betty Draper going to MURDER someone?!

The rest of you might have been asking these questions a year ago...but not me. I waited, which wasn't such a bad idea -- because now the best part of my day is seasons 1-4, in marathon gratification. Thank you very much, Netflix.